STORIES
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1/8/2011
I started on this journey alone today. I am not sure how effective this will be because my fiance is a non believer. We have been together for 3 years straight on and off again for two. We don't have children together, but we each have children and they know him and I as mom and dad. We have been through too much. We have both cheated and been physically and emotionally abusive. I have been to jail and back out again. I almost lost my kids, but we have overcome that and come back together. I have been saved for only two years, but my Fiance did not follow. He has always been very insecure and jealous. I have lost a lot of friends because of him. I have tried to remain true to him, but I am starting to feel like we are going through a vicious cycle. We argue, make up and we do it again. There is no growth or progress. The children are seemingly untouched by what is going on, and they love him dearly, but I am now uncomfortable in my own home. I have reached out to a friend of mine who is a pastor and she recommend that I try the love dare. This is my last stand. Only God will show me what I am to do with this unyoked and unmarried relationship.

Johanna



1/7/2011
My husband and I have been together for 11 years married 9... We are on the verge of divorce as well,actually have been for about 5 years.. I have started the Love Dare and am on day2 and I broke down this morning prayed and cried to god, that he will guide us to his everlasting light. My husband does not know that I am doing this, I want it to be a suprise to him as this is going to be very hard. I keep questioning myself if this is evenn worth it and if it will even help us. I do not know if it is better to secretly do this or if I should confide in my husband so he knows that I am taking our marriage to the next and last level...I am the very selfish one, he has forgiven me so many times for walking out on our marriage and not facing any of our problems, he has not one bit of trust left in him. Everyone Please pray for us!!!!!




1/2/2011
I have been married for 9 yrs. The first year of our married life was good and then my husband joined and adult freind finders site. I guess he thought I wouldnt find out, but I did and was so angry. He had over 25 responses from all these women in his email. I figured out his password for the sight and read the profile he made and got even more hurt. When I confronted him about, that day he reicieved a letter from some other woman from another site he had been on. He didnt think he had done anything wrong. It broke my trust in him. Since then he hasnt done anything to build that trust back.
Recently we have argued over text messages and calls from a female that he says he is friends with. He deletes her messages but it shows up on the phone bill. When I ask him about it he gets very defensive. He says there is nothing going on(I dont beleive there is), but if there isnt why does he try to hide it?? He has no answer for that.

Just this past month he offered to go riding around with her so she could talk cause she was having a bad time. This was done by email, I found it several days later. She told him no, but when I ask him if she had said yes would he go, he said yes. I asked if would have told me about, that answer the way I took it was no. And he wonders why there is such a trust issue between us.

It doesnt matter how many time I tried to explain, the trust that was broken needs to be put back together and its not up to me to do it, he thinks since it was broken some time ago and its not brought up now that its ok. Being there for me comes in at a low third or fourth place also. There's no emotional support for me. But he has no problem being there for everyone else.

I started reading this book, I watched the movie sometime back. This time when I read the book its like it was talking to me. I took that as sign I need to read this all the way through.

It has made a difference, it has showed me that there were other ways I should have handled things. I'm about half way through the book. I have since actually had a conversation with my husband and told him I wanted to start over. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing, but it is so much better to be able to forget all the mess that started it in the first place. There are things I do that bother him and I will be working on them. I told him about the book and why I made this decision, to my suprise and shock, he said he guessed he would have to read this book. I told that was fine if he wanted to but I was not going to force it on him.

I have since then spoke with the girl that was texting him and found out there was nothing going on with them, but with the way he was acting and hiding things she could understand why I felt the way I did. I'm not freinds with her now and probable never will be but at least that was put to bed. I'm taking one day at a time and am hoping that things can be better. Who knows he may end up reading this book and learning a few things.



Kim



12/29/2010
I have been with my wife for ten years, married for three this past year. I have made alot of mistakes throughout the marriage, namley not loving my wife and speaking her love language to her. We have been separated and have had little little contact in the past 3 months outside of emails and some brief conversations on the telephone. She has changed her cell phone number and calls me restricted. She is definitely a good willed woman, but I think at the current time she is a lost soul crying out for help

I know it is my job as the head of the household to never leave my partner behind. I am going to be the mature one in this marriage, put my pride aside, and go into the fire to rescue my wife and svae my marriage!

To all the husbands out there reading. don't EVER give up. Says in the bible that God does not approve of divorce, and when you were married, a convenant was formed.

Always respect your vows, for better or WORSE, till DEATH do you part!

I will fight to the very end for my marriage, not because I have too, because i want too, and life without my wife, is not what i want!

I love you baby!

Pray for me and my wife

JJ (Connecticut)






12/29/2010
I am just starting Love Dare and am on day 4, so I have a long way to go. My story is unique in that my husband of 20 years and I are living apart and not speaking AT ALL. He moved in with another woman in early November 2010, after he was caught with her. He ran scared and hasn't spoken to me or our two younger children, except 2 very brief phone calls, that were vital, with no emotional 'food' whatsoever.

I have found that even Christians are always too quick to throw the 'divorce' card at you. My Lord is bigger than this situation, and I have chosen to take the route of forgiveness and faith, that the Lord can bring a full restoration to my marriage. I have no idea where my husband stands on his relationship with the other woman.

During prayer one day, I asked, "Lord, how will I ever do Love Dare when we don't see eachother and he won't speak to me?" I then remembered a Deputy Sheriff had given me this womans address at the very early start of our separation, in case there was an emergency with one of our children. I forgot I had it tucked in the cover of my bible, until just a few days ago. And, the Lord gave me a revelation, "Letters."

Today should be the first letter that arrives, and I have to keep praying she gives it to him. The Lord laid it on my heart, "You are still his wife. Don't surrender that."

I hope and pray it goes well. Jesus is Lord!



Pam



12/23/2010
On June 11th, 2009, I posted my original story.

I'm sorry to say, my wife still chose divorce over restored.

Thanks for the help, I do hope and pray that there is someone,

someone who does believe in unconditional love and not a just

a legal contract that one can break when something happens

they are not happy with. Marriage is a life commitment, as I see it.

Good luck to everyone else that is trying to keep that true. It is possible,

but it takes two.



Jim



12/22/2010
I am amazed. I have been reading these stories for about an hour and I am amazed at how similar our experiences are. It is very scary. My husband and I have been married since 2001. We have 3 children together, one on the way in about a month and he brought one into the marriage. I have always felt that our marriage was strong and could withstand anything. We have always seemed to struggle with finances and despite it all, we stayed together. In 2007, we were basically forced to move several states away in with his mother. All along, I thought this was temporary but as the months and now years have gone by, I fear we will never be able to get out! He does have gambling issues and I have given that to God. At the beginning of this year, I had started having suspicions that he was not being faithful, something was off. I had never worried before, but I had a gut feeling. I asked but he denied it. In March, I came across some Facebook messages he had been sending back and forth with a very old friend from the past he had reconnected with. It about made me sick to my stomach. I was screaming! I then got on my knees and asked for God's guidance. When I confronted him about it, he said he had felt unwanted and unloved and this woman had rekindled those feelings. I begged him to break things off and give me a chance. He agreed and we reconnected. When I thought God's timing couldn't be any more strange, we unexpectedly became pregnant in April. I was very sick with morning sickness and also was working full time and taking care of our other children 13,7,5 and 1. I knew this baby was special and was God's way of showing restoration. Unfortunately, in September, things came to a point again when I asked why he was locking his cell phone. Basically, the roof came down when he confessed he had taken the affair up again and worse still, was ready to leave me, pregnant with his 5th child. Unbelieveable! I spent the next 2 months in solid prayer. I could barely function. What would I do!? Even more bad news, I found out that he had physically been unfaithful to me. I had never felt so much pain in my whole life. I thought it was all my fault, begged him to forgive me, started going to counseling immediately. The counselor had a hard time trying to not tell me to leave! I prayed constantly, though. Some people found out and they wanted to rake him over the coals. Even his own family members wanted me to leave him. God kept telling me though, to love him and stay faithful to him, and just put my trust in Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and He will direct your path." God gave me that verse. Yes, I did falter, get impatient at times, feel all was lost many times, but then He gave me Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I know I was not the perfect wife and he was not a terrible animal. He said he wanted to be there for the baby and our children but wanted to have this other woman because things were so easy with her. She lives about 4 hours away and for those of you who have been unfaithful, I think you understand when I say that things are easier because you are not really having to share any "real" responsibility and for those "precious" times you are togther, you are not arguing over bills or who is going to give the kids a bath. This is what I kept telling him but he would not listen. Then came the day of reckoning. I had decided to buy "The Love Dare," online that morning but I wanted to ask him if I did, would he be willing to let me do it. At my lunch break, I called him and he had said he was home for lunch. I decided to run by there to see him in person and I walked in and he was on the phone with her. I asked to speak to her and calmly asked her if she really understood what she was doing to our lives? She had left her husband in the summer and had been pestering him as to when he would leave me. She said that it was HIM who wouldn't leave her alone and that he had a choice to make. I couldn't take it anymore. I begged her to leave him alone. I screamed at him and he actually said that he was not going to stop contacting her and if she stopped answering his calls, he would just go see her. I was devastated. Needless to say, I went back to work completely crushed. I then called a friend and asked if she could take me and our 4 kids in for the night so that I wouldn't have to see him. I felt I had really lost him this time and maybe God didn't want us to work things out after all. She said she would have to get back to me. After work, I raced home, packed my bag and things for the kids and waited for our oldest to get home before he got back from work. I got a text from the other woman. She said she had sent me an email. I got online and she had said that her conscience had gotten the best of her and that he had called her after speaking to me and said he was ready to leave me and be with her. She said she didn't want this now. She said it was over and she was going to leave him alone. I couldn't believe it!? I picked up the phone and called her. I just wanted to know what made her change her mind. Was it my pitifulness? In that conversation, we discussed him and she apologized sincerely for what had happened. She said he had lied to her about being intimate with me since I had become pregnant. We talked and I thanked God, again for saving my life. How was he going to be when he came home!? He did shortly after that. I had my bags packed waiting in the car and was planning to split after his reaction and never come back that night. Well, he walked in the door and his phone rang. 10 minutes later, he stormed in screaming at me all these profanities and that he would never be with me again and that I had ruined everything. I was terrified. Then, he broke down. She had called him and said it was over. After he calmed down a little, he said he was sorry for calling me names and yelling at me. He was sad that he felt he had lost his best friend. I said he had never lost her because she was right there with him. We had been through so much to that point, I was exhausted! When we reflect on that day, both of us are very emotional. We believe that it was solely God's will, divine intervention that saved our marriage. Since then, almost like a fairytale, things have gotten so much better. Sure, we have our moments, but God has taught me patience and to keep my faith in Him. My husband is human and so am I. We will make mistakes, but ultimately, we need to focus on what is pleasing to God. I am now a month away from delivering our baby boy. When things broke down with that woman, my husband told me earnestly that his feelings for her were still there and he would need time to lose them and he didn't know if he ever would. Thankfully, I started praying that day and every day since for God to remove those feelings from his heart and her's, too! Yes, I have prayed for her, and it has not been easy at all, but I know forgiveness is the first part of me letting God take over the responsibility of dealing with her. It is not my place to judge. That lies with Him only. I can honestly say that today, my husband is more in love with me than ever. I did receive The Love Dare and did complete it. It offered so much insight and I am thinking I want to get my hubby a copy so that he can read it at least, even if he doesn't do any of the dares. He can't have my copy because I have highlighted it to death and written all these notes in it. My story will end here for all of you who are in the position I was in a few short months ago...don't give up hope, you can always have hope, and put your faith in God only...people are human and will ALWAYS disappoint you, but if you keep faithful to God, you can never go wrong. God bless and I hope my story has helped even just one person.

Lucy



12/21/2010
Well it is a week before christmas a time of joy .... but I feel like I am lost and don't now were to go from here. I am not married like the other couples but id like to be.

Me and my boyfriend just broke up 2 days ago, We have been together for a year and a half and living together for a year, we just bought our first house and have only been living there for 3 weeks. The last few weeks and months have been very stress full for me and I'm sure for him to, we have been so busy with our own things and very irritaded with each other we kept on having fights, now he says he had enough ,he does not want to work on it or try to sort it out. We both have our faults and we negligted each other and Jesus. I feel that I don't want to give up this easily but he does not want to continue with this relation ship.
I now this does not sound as horible as the other married couples but I feel like me life just started with him and I had so many plans for our futer. He is and have always been a very good companion and have treated me very well. I love him very much and I hope he might have a change of heart and try to work it out. Now I have to move back home and we have to sell or do something with the house. I now I am a very diffucult person to be with a am very depressed and I a tend to be unhappy most of the time, I do not mean to feel this way.

I feel that a do not have the emosional strengh to do this - I have been in a previous relationship for 6 years and it just didn't go anywere so we had to break it up and if was very diffucult, I do not want to do it again - but I have no choice. I now it might be to late - but I am about to start the chalange, and I pray and hope that we might work things out, but I now that My Lords nows wats best for me and He will be there every step of the way, to pick me up well I fall down. Please pray for me




11/30/2010
I have been married for a little over two years now. My wife and I have a 13 month old daughter. In these past few months things have gone down hill very fast. My wife and I saw the movie fire proof along time ago and as i wathced it i never even thought that i would be in the situation that iam in right now. My wife left me not long ago, and with her went my daughter. It took me this long to realize that i have serious problems. I verbaly abuse my wife and have called her every name in the book that you can imagine. I forgot what being a friend in this relationship was about and only focused on my feelings and neglected her's. I let the worst in me take over the best of me and know I' am paying for it. I have seeked counsling and I' am about to start shortly in a few days. I have come to realize that in order to help my relationship I need to help myself. Its just sad that I had to realize this when it was to late. Another big part in this is that i forgot about God and in his faith. I have become a selfish person and my world revolves around me. I went about things the right way. All I have now is to regain my faith in God and take it day by day.

catarino



11/29/2010
i was very impressed and touched with this movie. I have been married to my husband 20 yrs now and have 2 children. Blessed to have a girl and a boy to complete family and blessed wiht family, friends, finance and almost everything BUT my husband has been cheating all along our marriage. Which i had my doubts but always trusted him. He had made bad financial decision that put us in debt big time. i have been angry but always stood by him, supported him. we moved to FL thinking lets start all over again BUT it seems like he has addiction of having affair. Lately this has gone so far that he takes kids wiht whom he is having affair wiht. Being bad influence on kids and treating me very bad.

i believe in family value, no matter what happens marriage is project everlasting. Have to work it out and be there for one another but lately he has gone too far. i never thought him being so educated will do something like this. He is just shameless and does not respect. I have prayed all these years but loosing faith. The hard i try to fireproof my marriage, hard it gets. i feel so alone and cannot discuss this with friends or family thinking i putting him down in front of others. i just don't what to do but last resort of divorcing him.




11/27/2010
In my life I have been a firefighter and the one thing always engraved in my mind has been to "Never leave your partner behind especially in a fire". Well my training and thoughts have been challenged this year with a massive roller coaster ride for me. My husband and I were married 19 May, 2009 and didn't even last a year before he walked out in Jan and in less than 2 weeks moved in with a chic he barely knew. The beginning of our marriage was rough because he would stay awake while I slept and go sleep with other women along with watching porn or even watching nude ladies on the internet. I was destroyed when he told me the details of his encounter on 1 Jan, 2010 as we had just rang in the New Year then I went to sleep. 9 Jan, 2010 we said good-bye but I didnt know that he was leaving me until the destructive call he made to me about the new chic. She made life miserable for me because to my face she said she wanted him to work on his marriage, but behind my back she did EVERYTHING to make sure he would not come back including threatening suicide. For 10 months my husband would not talk to me and if he did I would get yelled at, treated like dirt and even called the other chics name. He even had divorce papers written up except that he got my name wrong on them too. For months I was mommy and daddy to my little girl and everytime she asked for Daddy my heart broke. With almost a year without him was soon to arrive things would change for me. Out of the blue I saw him again the Sunday before Thanksgiving and it seems like finally we have a chance once again. For me I knew the first step would be to talk, see where things went wrong and what needed to change for us to be happy again. Although he made the decisions he made I have decided that i need to change somethings about myself as well if our marriage will work.
I NEVER expected the road to fixing our marriage to be easy but Day 1 was extremely tough because I have always been a defensive person who will say any thing to try and protective myself. For the past week I have been bringing up the other chic and doing everything I can to hurt him and make sure he knows exactly how I felt by what he did to me even though we are trying to start new. Today there have been several times when I have wanted to say something hurtful or try and start a fight even though there is no reason for it. It is easy to say hurtful things but it is hard to hold your cool and not vent. Although this is needed I know it will not be easy to get past the hurt and pain, but for the best in our marriage we need to.

Charity



11/24/2010
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, together for 12. We were basically "high-school sweethearts". We had some rough spots in our marriage after the first few years, and a really bad year 5-6. Seperated for about 6 months, and even filed for divorce. We got back together in February this year, but the road has been really shakey. I went back to the way I was treating her, and never even realized it. With our marriage almost up for good, I finally watched "Fireproof" which opened my eyes. I want to save this marriage more than ever. My biggest fear is "Is it too late?". In walking with God, and learning to love all over again, I'm learning how to Love my wife, and now adore her more than ever. I find that I want to spend every waking moment with her, and share every aspect, every detail of my life with her. We're only on day-6, and our road to 40 has been rocky at times. I jsut have to remember to stay strong, stay the course. I'll never leave my partner behind again, no matter what I do. To me now, marriage is a devoted union between 2 people. You become one and the same person as the other, and when you accept this, you can face life's trials much easier. With God and my wife, I found that I cannot fail at whatever I attempt to do.

We absolutely needed this, and still found that after 12 years there are still a LOT of things we have to learn from each other.

William



11/22/2010
Where to begin,
I will be married to my husband for 9 years this upcoming Saturday. We have 3 beautiful children that have come from this marriage. Over the years small things became big issues and things have just gone down hill. A few years back i caught him "almost" having an affair with a friend of his from work. This completly destroyed my world. I had dealt with low self esteem issues for years because of his obsessive behavior with pornograply and women in generel. I have yet to catch my husband physcially cheating on me but to me all the other stuff was heartbreaking enough. A few years back i met a person that i was friends with. My husband stated he didnt approve of the friendship, but after all i had been through i didn't care. We remained friends throughout the years and towards the end as my husband pushed further away my friendship became an attraction. None the less i was caught recently. My husband now wants a divorce probably more then ever. I am mad because he fails to see all of the things that he too as done. This does not excuse my actions. My Chaplin had given me the 40 day Love Dare book and i have been stuck on day 1. I am praying to God that things get better that movie hit home on so many parts that all i could do is cry. Please pray for my family, as i know God's will isn't divcorce. I pray that my husband and I fall back in love and that there will have to be no worries of possible pay back or further indiscrecions.
God Bless




11/22/2010
Where to begin?

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we've been together for 8 and we knew each other 14 years before beginning to date. For years my husband chased after me but I was not ready until one day, after several years of not seeing each other, I noticed he had changed. I had changed as well, for the better.

During the course of dating after only a month, I sat down with his parents and together we learned his sister had cancer. Two years passed as we watched her die, leaving two wonderful children behind and a year later, not only was his father diagnosed with cancer but my husband was as well. Years of pain and sadness followed as we drifted so far apart and just 2 years ago this past February, his father left us as well.

Depression is a lonely street and one that I have been travelling for quite sometime, long enough that I forgot how to love and be loved. My husband found comfort in someone else, someone who I though was a Christian friend and found out her true colors. I felt humiliated and even more alone than I ever had and worst of all, I lost touch with God, the one person who loves me unconditionally.

Forgiveness is a hard road to follow as there have and will be tough times ahead but we are willing to work on things one day at a time. My husband began the 40 Day Love Dare and stopped because he felt like he and I were going no where, but I believe that I am the one that needs to begin the 40 Day Love Dare instead as I have lost myself along the years. God works in many ways and sometimes times are hard, but never give up for the ones you truly love.

As of today, I am on Day 2 and I am beginning to see the light again.

Stacey



11/17/2010
I am following through with a commitment I made to back when I started the love dare, April 25th, 2010. I finished the love dare in June and wrote an update then. I was pregnant with our first child, a baby girl, born September 8th, 2010. I ended up filing for divorce in October as my husband wanted nothing to do with our daughter and is living with his ex-wife now. He did not even come to her birth. My daughter, Camry, has been diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer. She is 10 weeks old and is fighting for her life. She has been through more than most people go through their whole lives. I still believe God has a plan for all of us. It is not our place to question why things happen and what His purpose is at times. My divorce will be final in a couple of weeks. I am sad, but, I have no choice. My priority right now has to be my daughter and my 10 year old son. Please pray for our family. I believe in the power of prayer. I put all my trust and faith in Jesus. Sometimes you have to just know that He knows what's best and thank God for unanswered prayers. Please pray for my little girl and my son. Please pray for Camry's dad that one day he will really come to know Jesus and learn to love.

cathy



11/15/2010
I am a preachers daugter and I have been married for a little over a year and lived together for 5 yrs. I built this relationship on unsturdy ground. It has been fight after fight since the begining physically at first and now more emotional but by the grace of god we have stayed together i know that God has a calling for both of us but i just cant go back to god it is soooo hard and my husband thinks sooo little of church and god. we have a three month old daughter and i see god in her and i am begining to understand that god is the only answer to my marriage the closer i try to get to god the worst my relationship gets please keep me in prayer and my husband that god will give me the strength to complete this mission.

angela



11/10/2010
Been with my husband for 20 years - married 6 years. We both took each other for granted and neglected each others needs for years. I had an affair. The moment he found out he was in a relationship with another woman immediately. After 2 months of being with this woman (he had moved out) he decided he wanted to work on our marriage. We are both still living under seperate roofs but are both putting an effort in to us. We both still love each other very much but he has been extremely angry and hurtful since he has been back and I understand he is still greiving my affair. I want to start the 40 day love dare to help heal a bond that has been damaged and fireproof a marriage that I know now can be so wonderful.

Any advice would be wonderful.




11/10/2010
My husband and I have been married since Nov 12, 2005 which means our anniversary is coming up Friday! 5yrs. Although things my seem good they really arn't. My husband is in the Navy and I am a stay at home mom ,I also home school my son. I had found out a couple of weeks a go while my husband was on a Detachment that he was emailing other girls, and he has lied to me and of course I already knew he had a drinking problem so that part is nothing new. I wanted to divorce him because it really hurt me that he was talking to other girls and while he was home 2 months before he left. But I relized I can't just do that because I do love him and I hope he is willing to change. He is back now and I just found out yesterday (when I started the Love dare) that we got new orders to go to South Tx. Anyways my point is that I don't trust him and I know I need to. I really pray that he love dare works for us because I know he is not perfect and neither am I.



Salina



11/10/2010
This is a big step for me. Sadly, almost a last resort, when it probably should have been a first solution!
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 6. In the far past (4 years) I have lied to him and hurt him. I never cheated, but he thinks I did because of the lie. He now told me that he doesn't know if he can ever get over it or move on from it. I was already on Day 10 of the Love Dare. I am continuing to do it. I am convinced that this is God's way of testing me. I have never done something like this to help improve myself. It was always to try and help others. When now I am realizing that I need the help. I need to work on myself to better my marriage.
I love my husband dearly. Father of my daughter and soon to be son. I pray harder than I ever have that God will heal his spirit. Strengthen the light inside him and guide his heart to mine. I pray that God will take my marriage, take the worries and stress and give it back to me stronger than it has EVER BEEN!
I do each dare and I feel stronger about myself. I feel like I am able to handle what the world is going to give me. And in the end if my marriage ends because he can't get over it, I will know that I did everything I could and I showed him love daily.

God, I ask you to guide not only my spirit and my husband's spirit, but everyone that is seeking your refuge on this site. We all need your guiding light and love in our hearts, spirits, and minds. God, I know you can help us. You are AMAZING! I praise you and give you the power to make our lives and relationships stronger than we could ever imagine. It won't be overnight, let us accept that. But, you are always there. I LOVE YOU!

Mary



11/10/2010
I married my husband at the age of 16.. now im 25 and these past 8 yrs of marriage has been absolutely crazy and hard.. About 5 yrs ago we began having some marriage problems.. we moved in with my sister and she has 3 kids.. my husband says he felt uncomfortable making love in her house bc she had kids.. even when they werent around he still wouldnt touch me.. he always says he was to tired, or there was always an excuse for why we couldnt have sex.. I was a lil overweight so i began this huge diet in which i lost over 90lbs.. No lie I looked great and everyone noticed and paid attention to it except my husband.. I did it mostly so he would b more attracted to me bc i thought that was the problem.. which obviously wasnt the issue after all.. we went three months without having sex but over that time i wasnt having sex with him but i was having sex..

I found comfort with other men.. If they were attractive and showed me attention I gave in to temptation and had sex with them.. In the 5 yrs I have been cheating I have been with other 35 men besides my husband.. i do feel bad but at the same time I really want someone to awknowledge me and to want me.. Over time we do have sex on occassion but its not that great.. bc every time we do i feel like im gettn pitty sex bc i have begged for it.. Im always tryn to figure out whats wrong with me.. why dont he want me... i get the feeling that our problem is more than skin deep.. Im sick and tired of lying and cheating bc its soo stressful having to cover all ur tracks... Now we have a 6 month old baby and im not even sure if its his baby.. He knows and regardless he said he will raise him like he was his own.. He dont really want to kno if its his baby or not bc he loves my son.. So thats not really a problem.. but needless to say my husband would NOT have sex with me during my entire pregnancy and I would not cheating during that time bc i didnt want to risk catchn any disease since i was pregnant..

Now I want to see if I can save my damaged marriage.. My husband also watches porn and plays video games every night which puts a damper on our marriage bc the time he could b in bed making love to me hes playn games.. I get up at 4 am for work.. i go to bed at 12 so i get 4hrs of sleep every night... thats all so i stay soo exhausted all the time.. i am irratable and i do say things i dont mean.. I kno I have hurt my husband but I feel like my heart has been shattered bc i dont kno why hes not attracted to me or why he dont love me like he use to.. i pray he hasnt found someone else.. I may have cheated but i have not found someone to love yet.. im giving this a try as my last resource.. i watch Fireproof almost every day bc every single time i watch it i find inspiration and i need to be inspired bc i lose hope so easy.. I hope this works otherwise after Christmas my marriage will b over.. We have tried for years to fix it .. i dont see much hope bc i am really hurt and i try and he dont.. we still live together so there may be a small chance.. I do believe in Christ.. I do admit that when i was a follower of Jesus my life was going in a better direction.. I pray that the 40 love dare and christ help it can turn my mamrriage around

Courtney



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